I'm blessed. A glance around me assures me of that. I have my son safely tucked away in his room after eating a good meal. Water flows from my faucet and though I don't drink it(it upsets my stomach) I can shower. I have all my medications. I saw one of my doctors today. I know I'm blessed. I'm also going through a divorce. That is a blessing. I know that it sounds really fucked up to say, but it is. My soon to be ex, left me a long time ago. I suppose I left him too. Neither one of us was unfaithful although, I may be ignorant on that front. I have that wretched simpering thought of "who could blame him"? I mean, how messed up is a mind that could think, "well bad things happened to me that were out of my control , feel free to mess around?"It is embedded somehow, that if we fail, they can get what they NEED elsewhere. We hadn't been doing well for a while. Lack of communication and brushing off fights led to resentment. Constantly I would say we need to talk about this. I was fully aware that the attention might have seemed focused on me. But who came here? Was there a house full of people? I denied myself and really I fucked up by denying our son the attention and my husband the hands on support of others. I wanted help. My mom came and because of grudges all it did was cause problems. She and I have our differences. But I needed my mom. I needed my sister. My son needed those examples of people showing up. Others offered of course, but with stipulations of "only if". Let's be honest here. Not every family has the disposable income to drop everything and show up when you get cancer. And I was 36. My mom isn't retired. My father was taking care of my mamaw. Everyone has their own lives and cancer isn't something you want to fit into it, Dammit though. I really wanted Ellen Degeneres to show up with a surprise. Just to take the edge off, although as I say this I remember how I uneasy and impatient my husband was as we tried on my wigs. How he got louder and made inappropriate remarks. Dammit. That wouldn't have helped either.
I have always been interested in politics. It blossomed when I was in High School and took American Studies. That and debate. These classes made me realize that I allowed to have an opinion. I was encouraged to really think critically about long term effects on others as well as myself. We focused on history and how hindsight is always 20/20. I felt emboldened in these classes. I was disgusted and ashamed for our past. I was forced to look at my other classmates who were not white and acknowledge Injustice. Once you see corruption and institution of laws meant to keep minorities in certain status. You are changed. Your white guilt doesn’t mean jack though. It’s about opening your mouth and writing, voting and some very awkward conversations with white people who firmy believe black people in poor neighborhoods with shit for education and no money, just aren’t trying hard enough. The other thing, the very most difficult is getting people to the understanding that just being non white is an automatic mark against you in society. The same goes for women. You are less. Less smart, less thought provoking, insightful, and certainly you are too LOUD.
I have always been proud of the United States. We are flawed. We always have needed improvement in our to better try and understand each other. Donald Trump is taking our country into a place of horrible descent. He lies blatantly and without apology. He is banning people based o. Religion. Tonight ICE started the raids they swore up and down wouldn’t happen unless you had broke the law. You can laugh and say it’s hysteria. You can say we are being lied to. Facts still exist. We know the truth. The resistance is not going away. I need the resistance. I am affected. My country is being assaulted. Like I said before, take away democrat and republicans, this is still a fight for our constitutional rights.
I am posting to give a quick update. My hip is very sore. I can’t say I tell any difference yet, but I did just have it done. So far so good!
I am elated! Yesterday we women showed the world what we are capable of! Standing together as one in peaceful protest. All over the world women, men and kids all got together and information was exchanged. People wanted the world to know that we wouldn’t be complacent. If there were any doubts that we cared about what was happening in the government, they were squashed. You know who didn’t acknowledge the March? The President. No one was shocked.
He did make time to lie to the CIA. He came before the stars on the memorial war for the honored fallen and said there was no feud between he and that agency. A blatant lie. He himself started that feud. On Twitter, and, in fact, compared them to Nazi Germany. Shameless.
When that distraction didn’t work, he announced another statement. This time he had Spicer come on. Oh boy. Here comes Spicer. They kept delaying the damn thing. So after an hour this angry little man starts ranting about…The fucking size of the inauguration ceremony! Can you believe this shit?! He is talking about how the covers on the grass made the size of the audience look smaller. What a crock. The media rant continues. How the media lies. Listen. The media can’t lie about facts. Sorry, man. Facts still exist.
Kelly Anne Conway said today that they were using alternative facts to describe the size of the inaugural event. Trump tried to say there was 2.5 million there. Holy shit this guy. He’s a ridiculous liar.
I’m invigorated. I will be calling my senator and Congress. I will let them know that I am unhappy with the decisions being passed. This cannot stand. Listen this wasn’t just about abortions. Women’s rights are human rights. How is this lost on people? It’s not even a question. This was about the right of family to stay together, education, sexism, religion, bigotry. This was for America. I’m so proud.
Now there is so much going on with old dipshit right now. I am not going to give him my time right now. I am excited to report that on Monay I will be getting a huge gift.
I am incredibly lucky I that I found a forum of people on Facebook who also are coping with AVN, or, as it is also called osteonecrosis.This is a progressive disease that has no cure. Blood flow stops to the vessels in your bones and the bone dies. Eventually, it collapses. Generally, in the hip. It can however be in your jaw, and shoulders and other parts of your body. It’s incredibly painful. Mine was caused by chemo. It can be caused by other things too like steroids, which also contributed in my case. This group of people told me to hold off on a total hip replacement. I was made aware of stem cell shots.
After some research and finding a doctor who did this, I am on my way! We decided to use a more advanced form of stem cell that is derived from placental tissue. I am so grateful to the donor and happy that I am getting this opportunity. I know that somewhere down the line I may need the hip replacement. This treatment offers me the chance to be able to focus on healing from cancer and my stroke. I have been so sick for so long. An alternative to surgery is very exciting. I look forward to sharing my progress!
Tomorrow morning I go for my mammogram. I feel so incredibly tense and nervous. I’m ready for it to be over and wishing I didn’t need it. As a a cancer survivor and having a large lump again I pray for a benign diagnosis.
Yesterday was actually pretty fun though. J had some friends from work over and one of them brought his girlfriend over. She and I got along really well. There was good, long lasting laughter in this house. Something that has been lacking as of late. Hearing my husband laugh like that made me feel so desperately sad. It’s strange isn’t it? I felt so pained for the times the have passed. We did so much together. Concerts and running around on the property. Road trips and camping. Now I’m in bed and pain. It’s crippled the house. He and I used to dance. Quite a lot actually. He would spin me and I would laugh. God, it was so fun. I miss it so much. He deserves better. I don’t want him to leave or any weird thing like that. We deserve this joy. I’m glad we had it. However fleeting, I’m glad we acted like fools and got dirty looks at bars for being too raucous and loud. Running down 6th Street and missing the bus. Knowing the cab driver took the long way home.
We had hard times. Getting a job isn’t easy and raising a child is hard. You want the best for them. You strive to get your family into a stable situation. Home ownership and school ratings are a priority. We moved to a smaller much too conservative town. It’s beautiful here though and so are the people. They are kind.
Having friends over was good. The couple who was here are planning to be married. I’m glad people are falling in love and dancing like fools and still being too loud. God bless ’em. I just hope they catch the bus and the cab takes the short way home. It leaves more time for that late night talk. And staring in each other’s eyes and wondering what the future holds.