I'm blessed. A glance around me assures me of that. I have my son safely tucked away in his room after eating a good meal. Water flows from my faucet and though I don't drink it(it upsets my stomach) I can shower. I have all my medications. I saw one of my doctors today. I know I'm blessed. I'm also going through a divorce. That is a blessing. I know that it sounds really fucked up to say, but it is. My soon to be ex, left me a long time ago. I suppose I left him too. Neither one of us was unfaithful although, I may be ignorant on that front. I have that wretched simpering thought of "who could blame him"? I mean, how messed up is a mind that could think, "well bad things happened to me that were out of my control , feel free to mess around?"It is embedded somehow, that if we fail, they can get what they NEED elsewhere. We hadn't been doing well for a while. Lack of communication and brushing off fights led to resentment. Constantly I would say we need to talk about this. I was fully aware that the attention might have seemed focused on me. But who came here? Was there a house full of people? I denied myself and really I fucked up by denying our son the attention and my husband the hands on support of others. I wanted help. My mom came and because of grudges all it did was cause problems. She and I have our differences. But I needed my mom. I needed my sister. My son needed those examples of people showing up. Others offered of course, but with stipulations of "only if". Let's be honest here. Not every family has the disposable income to drop everything and show up when you get cancer. And I was 36. My mom isn't retired. My father was taking care of my mamaw. Everyone has their own lives and cancer isn't something you want to fit into it, Dammit though. I really wanted Ellen Degeneres to show up with a surprise. Just to take the edge off, although as I say this I remember how I uneasy and impatient my husband was as we tried on my wigs. How he got louder and made inappropriate remarks. Dammit. That wouldn't have helped either.
My dogs have been at war. Not with each other. No. They have decided for the past few months that out back there is a creature that must be taken down. This means that I too, have been a party to this war. My sleep is disturbed with little claws scratching at the door and frantic barking heard from the backyard. This leads to me wandering out in my pajamas and gazing around blearily. I wonder, is there more to life than this? I kid! Honestly it’s tiring.
What the fuck are they barking at?
I don’t always mind the barking. My corgi shepherd mix is fiercely protective and sounds very ferocious. He also has the adorable stumpy legs of a corgi and giant head a shepherd. This means that if you come near our household I will be warned. What happens after that is your fault.
This weekend I was alone with Sebastien. An occasion that is nice when it happens. It’s not because I want my husband gone. It’s that I do know the days of my son being willing to hang out with me are probably dwindling. I love that he is still willing to hang out in the same room while I binge watch Dance Moms. Total trash television. I am aware. Yet, during this time we also end up having some really intense conversations. Then we have silly ones that I can’t remember but mean a lot. The ones where you laugh at life and nod in solemn agreement. Yeah, he’s a cool kid.
So, this weekend we are hanging out. I had just fed the dogs and put them out. It was quiet outside and then they started up. I went out and that’s when I spotted saw Mr. Squirrel. He stopped midway across the edge of the fence, regarded me, and then jettisoned himself onto a low hanging tree branch. It buoyed momentarily in the air, and then, he was gone, disappearing into the branches above.
Meanwhile, the dogs are tripping over themselves to catch the damn thing.
“Hey! Get control of yourselves! This is ridiculous!”
Now, if you doubt that I speak this way to the dogs, just ask the neighborhood. All will be verified, I assure you!
I have seen the little rat bastard causing all the commotion,and I couldn’t help but laugh. This was the mystery. I had had several theories on what was taunting my dogs. There was the mole theory, another dog theory, snake theory and even scarier, the other person theory.
I think we all have a tendency during highly stressful times in life to feel like there are bigger dangers lurking than there really are. I did that with this squirrel. I had turned it into all kinds of things. On the flip side, you can be really confident and think you have everything all figured out, and next thing you know, a mole is in the garden. I say, when the dogs keep barking, there probably is something in the yard. It just might not be what you expected.