Ok so,

I'm blessed. A glance around me assures me of that. I have my son safely tucked away in his room after eating a good meal. Water flows from my faucet and though I don't drink it(it upsets my stomach) I can shower. I have all my medications. I saw one of my doctors today. I know I'm blessed. I'm also going through a divorce. That is a blessing. I know that it sounds really fucked up to say, but it is. My soon to be ex, left me a long time ago. I suppose I left him too. Neither one of us was unfaithful although, I may be ignorant on that front. I have that wretched simpering thought of "who could blame him"? I mean, how messed up is a mind that could think, "well bad things happened to me that were out of my control , feel free to mess around?"It is embedded somehow, that if we fail, they can get what they NEED elsewhere. We hadn't been doing well for a while. Lack of communication and brushing off fights led to resentment. Constantly I would say we need to talk about this. I was fully aware that the attention might have seemed focused on me. But who came here? Was there a house full of people? I denied myself and really I fucked up by denying our son the attention and my husband the hands on support of others. I wanted help. My mom came and because of grudges all it did was cause problems. She and I have our differences. But I needed my mom. I needed my sister. My son needed those examples of people showing up. Others offered of course, but with stipulations of "only if". Let's be honest here. Not every family has the disposable income to drop everything and show up when you get cancer. And I was 36. My mom isn't retired. My father was taking care of my mamaw. Everyone has their own lives and cancer isn't something you want to fit into it, Dammit though. I really wanted Ellen Degeneres to show up with a surprise. Just to take the edge off, although as I say this I remember how I uneasy and impatient my husband was as we tried on my wigs. How he got louder and made inappropriate remarks. Dammit. That wouldn't have helped either.

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