December 30, 2016

Tomorrow morning I go for my mammogram. I feel so incredibly tense and nervous. I’m ready for it to be over and wishing I didn’t need it. As a a cancer survivor and having a large lump again I pray for a benign diagnosis. 

Yesterday was actually pretty fun though. J had some friends from work over and one of them brought his girlfriend over. She and I got along really well. There was good, long lasting laughter in this house. Something that has been lacking as of late. Hearing my husband laugh like that made me feel so desperately sad. It’s strange isn’t it? I felt so pained for the times the have passed. We did so much together. Concerts and running around on the property. Road trips and camping. Now I’m in bed and pain. It’s crippled the house. He and I used to dance. Quite a lot actually. He would spin me and I would laugh. God, it was so fun. I miss it so much. He deserves better. I don’t want him to leave or any weird thing like that. We deserve this joy. I’m glad we had it. However fleeting, I’m glad we acted like fools and got dirty looks at bars for being too raucous and loud. Running down 6th Street and missing the bus. Knowing the cab driver took the long way home. 

We had hard times. Getting a job isn’t easy and raising a child is hard. You want the best for them. You strive to get your family into a stable situation. Home ownership and school ratings are a priority. We moved to a smaller much too conservative town. It’s beautiful here though and so are the people. They are kind. 

Having friends over was good. The couple who was here are planning to be married. I’m glad people are falling in love and dancing like fools and still being too loud. God bless ’em. I just hope they catch the bus and the cab takes the short way home. It leaves more time for that late night talk. And staring in each other’s eyes and wondering what the future holds.

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