Prenatal and a pack of smokes

Hate really does roll onto our hearts. You feel that weight in your chest and it’s crushing. Sometimes you let out a wail of anguish. Other times, it’s cruel words pressed out between pinched teeth and a clenched jaw. Mostly it just lays there hurting. A dull ache. The very part where most say the soul lives. Suppressing the flow of blood and energy to our outter being. IT keeps kindness from our hands. Makes us less willing to strive and survive for better things. More quick to anger.

Here though is the lovely thing about that ache and weight we feel. Its hard to ignore. Oh yes we get very good at ignoring it, but feeling it, however briefly, can jettison you to empowerment. let’s say you ignore it. Certainly people around you, who aren’t responsible for the weight you feel, will not ignore bad behaviour as a result of your lashing out. So here’s what I propose. Redirect it. 

I’m so angry right now. Furious in fact. My life is mightily fucked up. To give back ground in such a disproportionate amount of attention on the effect it had on me would be annoying. But,here I go. My parents were divorced when I was two. My mom was pregnant but divorces aren’t granted during pregnancy. So my little brother was a secret. Scandalous! As is the way, jokes were made about parentage and how my mom did drugs while pregnant. Thanks dad! Super funny to a five year old. Just to be clear, there never was question of parentage, no I don’t think my mom did drugs …maybe a drink. Heck, it was 1979 when she got pregnant with me. Didn’t they give you a pack of smokes, a bottle of Jack and prenatal vitamins at the obgyn? I kid here people. Life was different then, just like a minute ago. Yet another thing we learn. Things really do change in a flash

I never saw my parents together. I always longed for it after I realized dads existed. It’s a strange thing. I swear I remember seeing my dad turning away as my mom led us to the car. I also remember wiping tears off my mom’s face after they had a fight. Her mascara was running. I felt scared for her that she was hurt. That’s why you cry after all. She wasn’t physically hurt that I ever saw. They just didn’t match as people. 

Well brains down


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