I'm blessed. A glance around me assures me of that. I have my son safely tucked away in his room after eating a good meal. Water flows from my faucet and though I don't drink it(it upsets my stomach) I can shower. I have all my medications. I saw one of my doctors today. I know I'm blessed. I'm also going through a divorce. That is a blessing. I know that it sounds really fucked up to say, but it is. My soon to be ex, left me a long time ago. I suppose I left him too. Neither one of us was unfaithful although, I may be ignorant on that front. I have that wretched simpering thought of "who could blame him"? I mean, how messed up is a mind that could think, "well bad things happened to me that were out of my control , feel free to mess around?"It is embedded somehow, that if we fail, they can get what they NEED elsewhere. We hadn't been doing well for a while. Lack of communication and brushing off fights led to resentment. Constantly I would say we need to talk about this. I was fully aware that the attention might have seemed focused on me. But who came here? Was there a house full of people? I denied myself and really I fucked up by denying our son the attention and my husband the hands on support of others. I wanted help. My mom came and because of grudges all it did was cause problems. She and I have our differences. But I needed my mom. I needed my sister. My son needed those examples of people showing up. Others offered of course, but with stipulations of "only if". Let's be honest here. Not every family has the disposable income to drop everything and show up when you get cancer. And I was 36. My mom isn't retired. My father was taking care of my mamaw. Everyone has their own lives and cancer isn't something you want to fit into it, Dammit though. I really wanted Ellen Degeneres to show up with a surprise. Just to take the edge off, although as I say this I remember how I uneasy and impatient my husband was as we tried on my wigs. How he got louder and made inappropriate remarks. Dammit. That wouldn't have helped either.
I have always been interested in politics. It blossomed when I was in High School and took American Studies. That and debate. These classes made me realize that I allowed to have an opinion. I was encouraged to really think critically about long term effects on others as well as myself. We focused on history and how hindsight is always 20/20. I felt emboldened in these classes. I was disgusted and ashamed for our past. I was forced to look at my other classmates who were not white and acknowledge Injustice. Once you see corruption and institution of laws meant to keep minorities in certain status. You are changed. Your white guilt doesn’t mean jack though. It’s about opening your mouth and writing, voting and some very awkward conversations with white people who firmy believe black people in poor neighborhoods with shit for education and no money, just aren’t trying hard enough. The other thing, the very most difficult is getting people to the understanding that just being non white is an automatic mark against you in society. The same goes for women. You are less. Less smart, less thought provoking, insightful, and certainly you are too LOUD.
I have always been proud of the United States. We are flawed. We always have needed improvement in our to better try and understand each other. Donald Trump is taking our country into a place of horrible descent. He lies blatantly and without apology. He is banning people based o. Religion. Tonight ICE started the raids they swore up and down wouldn’t happen unless you had broke the law. You can laugh and say it’s hysteria. You can say we are being lied to. Facts still exist. We know the truth. The resistance is not going away. I need the resistance. I am affected. My country is being assaulted. Like I said before, take away democrat and republicans, this is still a fight for our constitutional rights.
I am posting to give a quick update. My hip is very sore. I can’t say I tell any difference yet, but I did just have it done. So far so good!